home • archive

Surviving dorm life requires thoughtful coexistence

Dear Thelma:

My daughter will leave soon for college and will live in the dorms. I can't imagine how sharing that tiny room with another 18-year-old girl is going to work out, but I guess it will. I'd love to give her something to read on how to behave to make the best of the situation. Whether she'll follow the advice or not, I don't know, but can you address it?

Answer:

To all the students packing up for dorm rooms this fall, the basic courtesies of living in close quarters are well-worth thinking about before you leave for school.
Open the lines of communication early and use them. This is especially important if you'll be rooming with someone you don't already know. The opportunity and ability to communicate when things aren't going well are established by the communication habits developed when everything's fine.

Make a point to talk casually with your roommate once a week. Review plans for the coming days, when you'll be in or out, whether you'll be studying for an exam in the room or in the library. Share anything that will help your roommate understand your needs in the room for the week. Seek out the same information from the roommate and respect her space needs. If both are working to understand and respect each other, compromise when necessary will be easier.

IIf you are accustomed to talking with one another, when a problem arises you can bring it into that regular conversation. "We've got to do something about that refrigerator. Maybe we should each clear out our inedible stuff once a week." Or, "I'm sorry, but I can't sleep 3 feet away from your boyfriend every night. We've got to figure out another arrangement."

For good roommate relations it's important to understand that while this is your room, it's someone else's room, too. Keeping a room neat means different things to different people. If your roommate makes her bed every day, she'd probably appreciate not having to look at your rumpled sheets and twisted blankets every time she walks through the door. But she also shouldn't expect military precision and 15 color-coordinated pillows from you. Find a happy medium with which everyone can live.
Be reasonable about visiting hours and lights out. If it's 1 a.m. and your roommate is sitting on her bed dressed in her jammies, glaring at you and your study group, break it up for the night. She doesn't want to have to ask you to be polite, and she shouldn't have to.

Avoid borrowing. It's just good policy when you're already sharing so much of each other's personal space. If you do decide to borrow something, always ask and return the item promptly and in its original condition.
If you find yourself faced with something you can't handle, get outside help. That's what resident advisers are for.

Der Thelma:

I sometimes find myself with someone who receives a cell phone call and rather than telling the person that he or she will call back, carries on a lengthy conversation while I am left to listen to it. Is there a polite way to ask the person in my company to get off the phone?

Answer:

This happened to me recently. When I realized a long conversation was starting, I said quietly, "Excuse me, I'll be back." The cell phone conversation stopped immediately and my companion told the person on the phone that he'd call back.

Respectful exchanges and good manners never go out of style.

Have a question about etiquette? Ask it at www.askthelma.com. Thelma Domenici is CEO of Thelma Domenici & Associates, offering contemporary social skills development programs to all ages.