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Ask Thanksgiving Host If Mom's Chile Is Welcome

Dear Thelma:

The Thanksgiving tradition in my family is to eat red chile on turkey and mashed potatoes. This year my parents and siblings will be celebrating Thanksgiving with my wife’s family. Her family has never tried red chile for Thanksgiving. Would it be alright for my mom to bring her red chile to the dinner?

Answer:

First, let me say how wonderful it is that your families can come together in this way to share this day. It truly is a blessing for which you can be thankful.

As for adding your traditional dish to the celebration, you must approach it with care and respect. If everyone invited is contributing to the dinner, then you may tell the host that a dish you’d like to contribute is the red chile. You may need to explain how it’s used, but at a potluck type meal everything typically is welcomed.

If the dinner is a more formal affair, with the host doing all the cooking, expectations may be different. Since this is family I think it would be fine for you to speak to the host of the dinner, probably your mother-in-law, about the menu. You may tell her about the red chile tradition in your family and ask if you might bring it. She will decide if she thinks the addition will fit with what she has planned and if she’s willing to accommodate it. As host, it is her prerogative.

If she doesn’t choose to add the chile to her menu, you must understand. Hosting a big family dinner takes effort and coordination. Trying to accommodate many individual wishes can be overwhelming. Taking on the responsibility of hosting means making the final decisions, and that should be respected.

If you need your red chile fix, make some to eat with leftovers. Then consider playing host to next year’s celebration.

This question brings up the importance of traditional foods at times of celebration. For you, red chile is right because it’s part of the ritual of the season established by your family. Without it something’s missing.

Children especially love predictability and the holidays are a time they look forward to for ritual and traditions, which they carry into adulthood. If you don’t already have a holiday dish that the family can help prepare, find one this year to make together and share. If you already have a traditional dish, make a point this season to talk about it. Share why it’s important to each of you or how it started in your family. It may open a great conversation filled with things remembered and new memories made.

Dear Thelma:

While I love my family, I do not like several of its members. They are loud, rude, and often mean spirited. Can you give me any advice on getting through the holiday meals, which have the potential of being miserable events?

Answer:

Since it is family and the guest list won’t be altered to not include these intrusive people, you should talk with them about it beforehand, especially if you are the host of the meal. As the host you have the right to say, “I don’t want ‘mean-spirited’ behavior here.”

I myself have found the occasion to say, “We’re going to have a happy time. We’re not going to pick on each other. Got it?” If confronted, they may say, “Then I’m not coming.” And that would be their choice.

Consider bringing out games you can play together after the meal. From cards and dominos to the modern party games, these may help you focus on something other than someone else’s faults. It may also start a new, enjoyable family tradition.

Seeking kindness during the holidays and good manners never go out of style.

Have a question about etiquette? Ask it at www.askthelma.com. Thelma Domenici is CEO of Thelma Domenici & Associates, offering contemporary social skills development programs to all ages.