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Cut the bride some slack when receiving incorrectly addressed invitation

Dear Thelma:

Recently we received a wedding invitation from my husband's niece. Only my husband's name appeared on the envelope (only one envelope was used). Am I justified in not going to the wedding? My husband says I am invited, but I feel having only his name was inappropriate.

Answer:

If your niece did in fact intend to invite you to the wedding, including only your husband's name on the invitation was inappropriate. Invitations should always be addressed to exactly who is invited to the celebration, which means writing Mr. and Mrs. Donald Garcia, or Ms. Amanda Lewis and Guest, or Mr. and Mrs. Carlos Hoover and Family on either the outer envelope or on the inner envelope if one is used. Taken at face value, the invitation indicates that only your husband is invited. However, this is your family. If your husband has inquired and found that the invitation was intended for both of you, then you should let it go and chalk it up to an over-loaded bride who made a mistake. Refusing to attend is unlikely to have the affect of teaching her some kind of lesson and instead may result in a string of damaged relationships.

Dear Thelma:

You answered the mother-in-law about how to put a cap on the number of people who could be invited to the baby shower for her daughter-in-law and expected grandchild. Since when has it become appropriate for a family member to host a shower of any kind? I'm appalled!

I can't tell you exactly when things changed, but contemporary etiquette does allow family members to host showers in celebration of the new life. In times past, a good friend or maybe a relative outside the immediate family were considered the only appropriate hosts for showers. It appeared self-serving for immediate family members to host an occasion that strictly revolved around gift-giving. However, those ideas, and the rules along with them, have relaxed. Today it's common for the close relatives of the child's mother or father to be involved in the shower planning, especially when individual circumstances, such as a family separated by distance, makes traditional showers impossible. Wedding showers have seen the same trend, as more mothers and sisters of brides are now hosting. Today's typical guest doesn't seem to mind. She's most interested in celebrating the new child or the new couple and a shower is a great place in which to do that. You might also be interested to know that while traditionally a shower was only held for a woman's first child, today "encore showers"c are common. Typically the guest list for a second or third child shower includes just the closest of friends and family and guest who weren't invited to the previous showers.

Dear Readers:

I have been thinking about the coming holidays and the children in our lives. The holidays provide a great opportunity to teach kids and teens important lessons about life and good manners. These holidays remind us to be thankful and generous and caring. Establishing or even simply recognizing the importance of standing holiday traditions helps us solidify that thankful, generous and caring spirit to which good manners call us. Researchers say that family rituals and traditions help make family life predictable and provide the opportunity to reconnect with one another. Rituals also teach children what it is that the family values. The respect and courtesy on which manners are founded should be an important part of all of these rituals. I'll be sharing more in the coming weeks. I invite you to share with me holiday traditions celebrated as a child that impacted your adult life and your efforts to establish and perpetuate rituals with your own children.

Together we can show how family tradition and good manners never go out of style.

Have a question about etiquette? Ask it at www.askthelma.com. Thelma Domenici is CEO of Thelma Domenici & Associates, offering contemporary social skills development programs to all ages.